For years, when people asked me what I did, I'd say, "I work in the toy department of life." Now I might have to change that to "I work in the loony bin of life."
1997 was a bizarre year for sports. It was like watching a Federico Felini movie and pretending you understand it. If you understand Felini or the year in sports, then you also probably think Pamela Anderson has the tools and talent to be an Oscar winning actress. Anyway, the year in sports was highlighted by Mike Tyson playing Hannibal "The Cannibal" Lector with Evander Holyfield's ear. Tyson thus becoming the one man you don't want to say "bite me" to. He will.
Also, it was nice to see someone in my profession acknowledged. Marv Albert was selected as the "Orthodontist Man of the Year." He did for teeth what the Cowboys did for the "Just Say No" to drugs campaign. There's something sad and humorous about a well respected member of the media being caught in a love escapade. Somehow seeing Marv without his hair, in a silken slip and saying, "tell me if this hurts" doesn't send shivers down my back. But then, seeing Marv fully dressed and with his hair, doesn't either. And while we're on sexual peccadillos, how about that Frank Gifford. And doctors say you lose your sexual drive when you reach your 90's. Gifford has become a hero to a lot of elderly gentlemen. Whatever he's taking, I'll take a case of it. And one last media note, it's not true that when ESPN sportscaster Gary Miller deposited a urine specimen on a police officer from a second story window of a night club in Cleveland during the World Series, he was trying to qualify for a new event to be added to this year's X Games. As an aside, ESPN officials say they're still checking to see if Miller's accuracy score allows him to qualify for the televised final round. If he does, Miller would become the first person to compete and call the play by play of his effort at the same time.
The year in college football was highlighted by Auburn quarterback Dameyune Craig slapping one of his teammates, an offensive lineman, for the unspeakable act of committing not one, but two consecutive penalties. Now that's what I call motivating your teammates. Make a mistake, get slapped. That will get my attention and respect real quick. It might have worked well for Patton, but I'd be careful about doing it to someone who outweighs me by 100 lbs.
The Heisman Trophy race turned into an embarrassing battle of media egos. ABC/ESPN pushing Charles Woodson, the written media pushing Peyton Manning. What once was a prestigious award now has become the "meaningless" award of the year. In this case even more so. You can't equate or compare Manning's stats and accomplishments to Woodson's. One is a defensive player, the other offensive. Manning should have gotten it for playing on an otherwise average Tennessee team that had the offensive passing philosophy and sophistication of the Knoxville Rug Rats Pop Warner team. Go ten yards and break to the outside was as creative as it got for Manning. And he played on a team that thought the tight end was an ineligible receiver. The Volunteer tight ends caught Zero passes. That's z-e-r-o, like in goose egg. Woodson was very good. He was a major impact player for Michigan and he forced teams to change their passing game plan, but he didn't have to play with the handicap Manning did. And how smart are the fans who didn't like Manning because he was annoited at the beginning of the season as the leading Heisman candidate. Manning didn't say that, the media did. And folks, he was the leading candidate. In the end, the media got what it wanted and the grumbling continues..
When one talks about "choking" in sports, it usually means failing to perform in the face of competitive pressure. Golden State's Latrell Sprewell proved that sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will get you his hands around your neck. Now P.J. Carlisimo isn't my idea of a sparkling conversationalist, but Sprewell is paid well to do what he's told and however Carlisimo wants to tell him. For 7 million dollars, you and I would let the Warrior coach question your masculinity, eating habits, parentage, the way we dress and even use bad words to do it. Lets just say it's not the first time a coach has verbally abused a player. Bobby Knight has made it an art form. The whole thing has now turned into a Three Stooges movie. Sprewell chokes coach.......Carlisimo becomes poster boy for the "Abused Coaches" campaign after dusting his neck and finding Sprewell's fingerprints.....NBA says "Aha, now we've got those money grubbing, spoiled, adolescent, 'I AM the league' players" and suspends Sprewell without a hearing......and Johnnie Cochrane yells "rush to judgement" and asks, "Are you sure it was my client?" This is better than most daytime soaps and just as stupid. In this one, the fans are right. If any of them choked their boss, they'd not only be fired, but also would be making license plates for assault. Tune in tomorrow when Sprewell says, "It wasn't me, it was my evil twin."
How about them New York Giants? Now as I understand sports, if you wear the same uniform, you're supposed to be on the same side. You do battle against the opponent, not each other. In defense of their combative actions against each other in the playoff game with the Vikings, coach Jim Fassel announced that all players will be tested for color blindness. And if necessary, new Giant uniforms will have built-in beepers so players know who their teammates are.
And you thought Wayne's World was just a movie. Wayne Huizenga proves that success and stupidity are born of the same mother. He buys the Marlins, builds the Marlins into World Series winners and then has a going out of business sale. It's his money, his team, but doesn't morality, caring for the community and fans, investing in the future and making a commitment mean something. Oops, I forgot, this is sports in the 90's.
Of course there were some good things in sports in 1997. Tiger Woods destroying the field and winning the Masters, Barry Sanders showing class and talent as he joins the 2,000 yards in a season rushing club, Mark McGwire chasing the season home run record and after signing a new, big time contract tearfully pledging 3 million dollars to causes that aid abused children, Tom Osborne ending a wonderful 25 year career coaching Nebraska football and a tip of the hat to all those athletes who gave of their time and names to raising money for worthwhile causes.
I guess in the final analysis, sports is the "toy department of life," but one filled with both achievers and loonies.
I feel better now.
I'm Ron Barr.
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