The only words to describe what has happened lately in sports are humorous, bizarre and “you got to be kidding”. Two highly respected coaches get booted out of their jobs for fooling around. One with coeds, the other with a couple of strippers, one of which has a hankering for everything on the room service menu. Add to that the Annika Sorenstam golf circus and you have the triple crown of absurdity.

In the first two mondo bizarro incidents, Larry Eustachy and Mike Price let stupidity overcome common sense. I guess the rationalization could be “boys will be boys”. But, at 30 something and 50 something, these boys should have known better. It appears both were slow learners and haven’t been watching the new television coaching reality show “I’m an Idiot”. You wonder how a basketball coach can be so smart that he can make a million dollars a year, yet so dumb to blow it by attending frat parties and smooching girls nearly half his age. And, what do you talk about? “Hey sweetie, have you ever seen double down, post up move?” Her response, “No, but me and the sisters are going to do some rav shopping after our comparative lit exam. Yo, you know what I mean?” I don’t care if you’re an alcoholic or not, you don’t blow a million dollars a year for that turnon. Put aside all the other common sense reasons not to do it-family, university representative, position in the community, state sports icon, you’re an adult and they aren’t-you still don’t blow a mill a year for a pop and a few kisses with some coeds you’ll never see again. If I was a college guy, I’d be pissed too if a coach, almost twice my age, and especially from a rival school, was cutting in on the local talent. Let’s see how your family, friends and university like seeing your sorry ass splashed all over the papers. We may or may not beat your basketball team, but it sure won’t be a basketball team coach by you anymore. No, Eustachy’s new book will be called, “All the Dumb Moves.” Jim Harrick will write the forward.

If Eustachy’s indiscretions were alcohol, testosterone, immaturity and stupidity driven, then Mike Price’s was a mid life crisis and early senior moment affair. I can’t help but laugh when I picture a 57 year old, glasses wearing, football belly, thinning white haired, non southern drawl football coach slipping ones into the G string of a stripper at some southern road side strip club. This had to be an episode for a new Fox TV comedy or reality show. The only thing Price didn’t do was tell Destiny he only had coins left, and ask her where she would like him to put them. The thing that makes Price stupider then Eustachy is that he did this before signing his name to his 10 million-dollar contract. Duh. Hit me in the head again with that bat. It feels good. Okay, so Price sowed some “old” wild oats, how and the hell do you bring your newfound girlfriends back to your motel room? I mean, your face has been plastered all over every Alabama newspaper for months as the new Tide coach who says he wants to be the second best football coach, after Bear Bryant. Did Price think no one would recognize him, at the club or at the motel. Price gives new meaning to “double coverage.” He must have thought he was at one of those Mobile gambling casinos, splitting his aces, and covering his bet in case he couldn’t hit “21” with one of the G string divas.

But, the thing that puts the Price escapade in a Southeast Conference league of its own is that one of his stripping beauties decided to set a new room service ordering record. “Room service, this is Miss Double Bozoomas, in Coach Price’s room. Have your pencil ready? Here goes. I’ll take the chicken fried stake, extra fries, throw in one each of every salad you have and every dressing. I want the meatloaf. Give me a burger with that white cheese. Don’t be skimpy on the fried chicken. Let’s move on to the desserts. No, I’m just getting started. Opps, I missed the breakfast menu. Give me eggs every way you have them. Pile on the grits. Yeah, I like sausage, bacon and ham. Don’t fall asleep on me, I’m almost to the catering menu. I’m sorry you have writer’s cramp. Let’s keep going.”

Now, the question I have is, how was she going to eat it all? But, then maybe it wasn’t meant to be eaten. Maybe in round two of Mikey’s wonderful sex adventure it was part of a “food fantasy or fetish”. Maybe Mike and the girls had new uses for the chicken fried steak gravy. And, we all know what wonderful things can be done with desserts, especially whip cream. No, the “Price” was definitely not right for what Mike did. Ten million dollars to see some girls take off what little clothes they had on and to have one of them launch her own Iraqi style invasion of a room service menu falls into the “not only stupid, but definitely you got a screw loose” category. Now, Price is out of a job and out of a 10 million-dollar payday. But, he does have a fall back profession. He could become the host of the “Late Night Erotic Food Channel.” Be sure to join Mike and his guest, Barbie Bounces, when they discuss using Jell-O as breast implants. I’d give anything to hear Price and Eustachy at their group support meetings.

If Eustachy and Price are on one side of the “silly sports spectrum”, then Annika Sorenstam is on the other side. She’s a talented, serious athlete who wants to test herself to see how good a golfer she really is. The problem is, she wants to do it against men. Now, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with proving your talent and abilities against a man, but doing so in such public way, like a men’s PGA tournament (Colonial Open), is a mistake and can only hurt women athletes and athletics. You can point to the success Billie Jean King had against Bobbie Riggs and say, “Look what it did for women athletes and sports”, but you must remember Riggs was an old man when they played and King was in her tennis prime. Also, remember he already had destroyed Margaret Court in a “women versus man” tennis challenge. So, Sorenstam facing the best male golfers won’t do anything for her, other female athletes, the LPGA or society in general. There’s no upside, only a downside in Sorenstam playing the Colonial Open. Women in general, and women athletes in particular, don’t need exploitation. They need significant understanding and support for their efforts and their sports. Her effort at the Colonial won’t open other doors on the PGA Tour for women. And, why should they? The women have their own Tour, where they can compete against same sex, talented, comparable athletes. If Sorenstam is the world’s best female golfer, and she is, then there’s no chance at all that any other female golfer will ever be able to compete, even reasonably, against the world’s best male players. And, should she not make the cut, it will only strengthen the belief that men are superior to women, not just in golf, but in all things. A belief that is patently untrue in many things.

Sorenstam’s goal should be to make the LPGA Tour more exciting, more appealing to the golf and the sporting public. Taking on men in a once in a lifetime, ego driven effort is not the way to do that. It’s self-defeating for Sorenstam, for women and for women’s golf. The Colonial Open will be like the circus is in town. It’s hard enough to have the concentration it takes to play great golf, imagine what it will be like for her under the intense media, fan and fellow golfer, both male and female, scrutiny. And, all this for what? To prove to yourself you can play golf. Sorenstam already knows she can. Reportedly, she played a round with Tiger Woods and finished 10 strokes behind him. That will never change. Whether reality or perception, Sorenstam’s effort and participation in the Colonial Open does more harm then good, for everyone. And, if I’m a top 50-rated male golfer, who has never won on the PGA tour, I’m now looking for a sponsor exemption in an LPGA tournament so I can now make some good money. Certainly more then I’m making now on the men’s tour.

Eustachy, Price and Sorenstam, are all part of that human circus we now call sports. We’ve replaced common sense with silliness, stupidity and bad judgment. It’s a reflection of where we are today as a society. I suppose it doesn’t matter whether it’s bad or good. What seems to be important is it entertains us, keeps the debate going, sells tickets and makes for better television ratings. If indeed that’s what we want from our sports today, then a Christians against the Lions confrontation can’t be far behind. I can’t wait to see how the Lions are dressed?

I feel better now.

I'm Ron Barr.

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